today i was thinking.

it isn't that elsepth doesn't like me.

kaite hates me.
i went into her room to inquire about a forward i had been sent from her.
asked her how her directors project was going...
and she kept working

senario two is that amanda walks in

Recap.
Amanda (my roommate)
Elspeth (friend/lives across the hall)
Katie (friend/lives across the hall with Elsepth)
Shannon (friend/lives down the hall)

   Another night.

Another akward night.

Last night was the worst night ever.
I have had time to assess the situation...and well.
She doesn't want to be friends with me because I have changed to much.

But honestly.
I see the same person.
It is her that has changed.

She has changed so much maybe it would be a good thing if we aren't together.

And...
the two other girls that I would have been living with were really nice..
but it seems that Katie and Elspeth have been torn by Amanda (my roommate) to live with just her.
And...from what Elspeth said - she didn't really want to leave me. She wanted to live with me, but has become such good friends with Katie that she doesn't want to leave her.
I know this entry sort of mirrors last night, but there is a little bit more information this time.

I hate this still.

Wow.
It's been such a long time.
I figured it was about time that I updated this...that and I really needed some place to vent.

I figured that I was WAY over this highschool thing.
But it started all up again. And I know why this time, because she is the reason that it happened.
Essentially we were having a good time rooming together. If each other had a problem it would be pointed out in due time and we would deal with it and move on.

Today ended up being some hour long discussion on how she basically didn't want to be my friend anymore, and didn't want anything to do with me. She didn't want to room with me, because she "valued our friendship" but basically "hated the person I had become".

She has the abillity to turn my once friends against me. I don't know how she does it, she has a skill. But they basically have said two words to me.
They all congragate across the hall and I can hear them laughing and talking.

i think i already have  a title similar to that.
i don't care...

okay. so weekend round up.

Flight lost on Saturday night to a band with no talent. They were robbed.
But I still got to talk to Brian. Awe..he looked adoreable, and he got so nervous before he went on.

Wow.
Along time no update..
I'm actually in the mood for an update, and since none of you know what is going on in my life..might as well let you know.

Mkay.
   So...I went to a concert on Saturday night to represent the band from my school, Flight. First of all let me tell you that the drummer of the band was the boy I had a crush on..the reason I started talking to Justin. Recently...I have reluctantly been having the same feelings as before.
   The problem this time is that one of my friends (i wouldnt say close) likes him too. I would also like to add that I asked her point blank if she did like him, and she said no. My friends say that its basically fair game, but I'm afraid that if something was to happen between us I would be breaking an unwritten "rule". Don't ask why I think so..
     Anyways, he's such a great guy..and I am honestly thinking about telling him the day before our exam. He has co-op next semester, so if it really is nothing it won't be hanging over my head forever. I just feel like there is something. I mean..it sounds so self-absorbed thinking that there is something there. The looks, the smiles...maybe I'm inventing it out of necessity of grounding this on something real. Like..when we left the concert. There was no speaking..just our eyes met and I waved goodbye..and so did he. But he looked happy about it...about the whole seeing each other thing. It sounds loopy when I try to explain it..but it seems so sane in my mind.

   I feel like I have found something here. I want to go after it..but I am scared of the ripple it may cause.

--Andy.

i just realized.
i really am. i have about 0% self-esteem. there is nothing here for me.
i just want to become bigger and better than what i am. i hate being here. i really do.

do you ever get the feeling that people are talking about you, and then you walk up and they have this look on there face, like they just were. i can't count the number of times i saw that this week.
i almost feel like an outcast in my own home, school, and even at work.

i feel lost, like there is no way i can ever find a way out
i feel empty, like there is a void i can never fill
i feel like im drowning, and i cant find a way to get air

i cant keep feeling like this.
i feel it slowly killing me. i have to get out of oshawa. soon.

i hate trying to be something people think i am.
that might be my main problem. i just feed into them.

I wasn't going to not update for a whole month! That would just be crazy!

Soo..

what has been going on in the life of Andrea for the past month. To be completely honest with you...it has been work/school/work/occational school drama/homework/work.


Yeah. I have been so busy it Wrong!

But what can I say..

--
How was my christmas you ask...well it was awesome!

I recieved:

- 4 Roxy shirts...from PAC SUN.
- 2 purses
- Love.Angel.Music.Baby - New Gwen Stefani
- JOHN MAYER AS/IS! i saw it in HMV and emmediately told my sister to purchase...so she did!
- purfume - LuLu
- sweater
- pj's
- an Ipod
- The first season of the OC....*i ourchased it for my sister and I*
- A Vacation..


Yeah. Nice eh!

It was really cool. My family was all happy..Nice to see!

---

On the weekend my Aunt+Unkle and cousins are coming...which means more gifts!


But..I find now..its not about the gifts....its more about the giving..maybe I'm just growing up.
I don't know. I don't have time to question anything anymore.

If I get a chance I will write more later....but don't count on it!


--Andy

I have had a HELL of a week.

Beside's working everyday and trying to keep my grades up..I have had some family issues.
My nonna (grandmother) had been in the hospital for about 2 weeks when my mom, sister, and I had gone to visit her. She just didn't look normal. It broke my heart..I felt so bad for her..I knew she hated sitting in that bed. She couldn't do anything, she just wasn't well enough.
My mom and dad went to visit her today..at home. She decided that she had had enough of the hospital ( at this point she had been in there for about 3 weeks ) and she checked herself out. She is too strong willed for her own good.